Why do we resist what we desire most? Is it because the desire is close to our heart but the path is unknown and unclear? Is it conditioning? People pleasing? Unfamiliarity? Uncertainty? Limiting beliefs? I would argue all of the mentioned aspects and many others would play into our fear of stepping into our aspirations. How can we practice being the best version of ourselves if we are afraid to take a step in the right direction?

In this post I will be sharing a perspective that sheds light on a path that may lead to some inspiration and action. Naturally we fear the unknown as our brains are programmed to keep us safe. You would need to undergo a process of making the unknown, known. The name of this process is called practice (as simple as that sounds). You are exercising not just physical muscles, but will power, communication skills and getting uncomfortable amongst many others. You are basically practising how you show up in all aspects of your life.

The Key to Muscle Momentum

There is a KEY to this process. Something I learnt in a podcast with Layla Martin and Annie Lalla called How to Embody True Love. (The podcast can also be found on the Resources page, along with other goodies) This podcast is incredibly value packed. You have values and you have your behaviour. The further apart these two are, the lower your self esteem and self confidence. When I first heard this, it kind of slid over my mind but it didn’t stick. Until I attached my own values and behaviours to the statement and I was honest with myself when they weren’t aligning the way I would have imagined.

This would have been confronting if I didn’t already have the answer in the same statement. All I had to do was become aware of my values. See where I wasn’t showing up behaviourally and simply the awareness of this made it so much harder to keep doing the same thing. I knew if I kept the same behaviours I was compromising on my self confidence and self esteem. Two key ingredients I needed to show up to create the life I knew I wanted. Here are a few examples of behaviours and how to align them with your values in day to day life so that you may harness the skill of Muscle Momentum. The more you practice, the easier it gets and the more you trust yourself.

Uncomfortable Conversations

I’m going to use uncomfortable conversations as my first example of Muscle Momentum. At first, you will experience discomfort and perhaps avoidance to approach the person you feel you need to have the uncomfortable conversation with. You may feel “What If” stories fill your mind. Then your brain is helpful enough to provide all the reasons not to proceed with the conversation. (Note the sarcasm on the helpfulness in this scenario.) You may feel that the other person will respond with anger, dismissiveness, defensiveness, disinterest etc.

The key to this is pausing and visualising why this is important to you. Your values in this scenario could be emotional depth and honesty within relationships (colleagues, friends, partners, parents, siblings etc). To have that, you and this person need to be on the same page of understanding each others perspectives and finding a way to reconnect. When you approach a conversation with that intent in mind, you create an opportunity for them to show up in a different way too. The more you practice this, the easier it becomes for you, and for them to communicate in a way that is in alignment to your values.

Physically Trying Something New

Have you seen the way a child explores? The way they try out their legs when they learn how to walk. The clumsy way they grab whatever they can get their hands on. The way everything goes to their mouth first to test what it’s like? And it doesn’t matter how many times this doesn’t go as they plan, they try again and again… and again, simply for the experience of it, through this, they learn. They learn to walk, to talk, what they like, what they don’t like, they learn what you are able to do now, without even thinking, because like you, they practiced. The way they explore is an immersive bodily experience.

Somewhere along the way, we forget how to do this and we process information with our minds first. In certain situations this is beneficial but when you are learning something new physically no amount of figurative practice is going to give you the bodily experience. We expect ourselves to be excellent or even capable otherwise we deem ourselves unfit. How many times have you gone to the gym, found the experience uncomfortable and avoided going again? Or tried dancing and found that your limbs are in your way? Or running and losing your breath and feeling like your lungs may cave in?

These experiences are not evidence of inability but simply the absence of practice. If a value of yours is health, adventure, fun, fitness or along those lines, ask yourself if your behaviours are aligning? Are you giving yourself the space to practice so that you may gain momentum and see true progression?

Admitting You Were Wrong or Asking for Help

What do you think it says about you when you admit that you were wrong or that you need assistance and what do those thoughts feel like? The answer to that question will be different depending on who you ask. Which is also a direct reflection of what your self talk is like. Are you hard on yourself with harsh thoughts and feelings of shame? Or are you understanding of the fact that you are always learning and lean into the feeling of vulnerability?

If you have values such as self accountability, being teachable and unprejudiced then it’s important to be open minded and kind, allow your behaviours to create a welcome space for you and those around you whenever you are experiencing an opportunity to step into self accountability, learning or releasing preconceived ideas. The more you practice having your behaviours aligned with your values, it becomes easier to be honest about how you showed up, what you have learnt from such a situation and how it’s potentially helped you connect with another person.

Bad Habits

Bad habits are the easiest and most uncomfortable way of identifying how disconnected you are from your self esteem, confidence and values. When do you engage in your habits? Are you nervous? Anxious? Overthinking? Emotional? Overstimulated? You see where I’m going with this. I believe bad habits are coping mechanisms, they become bad habits when they start having an unhealthy impact on your life. You will find that a time will come where you would like to address the root issue that has caused the habit because the habit is likely not in alignment with your values and the vision you have for the way you show up in the world.

Like anything, this requires practice but remember you have the formula by now. What are your behaviours? Are they in alignment with your values? If not, what would better align; show up for the conversation you are avoiding, do the task that has made you anxious, give yourself space to feel the emotion that has been simmering beneath the surface, give yourself time to rest or go for that run you’ve been too busy for.

Four Quadrants of Learning/Competence – Noel Burch

I genuinely believe it is at the precipice of courage and fear that you will find growth and so the more you can lean into discomfort that is orientated towards your values and your joy, the more you will grow as a person. This is a process of learning about yourself in all aspects. I would like to share Noel Burch’s Four Quadrants of Learning/Competence that I learnt from a manager of mine that had a significant impact on my life. This will show you the stages we go through as we learn and practice something new so that you may recognise which stage you are at in your process of learning. This is not my work, but my interpretation that has helped me understand the way I learn. I will be using the example of learning how to drive, as this is how the concept was taught to me.

Quadrants Explained – The Process of Practice

Self Reflection

I invite you use this quadrant for self reflection when you have something specific you are working on. Whether this is a physical, mental, emotional or spiritual aspect of yourself that you are working on, find out which stage you are in. Have compassion and patience for yourself as you go through the process and keep your values in mind. You are simply aligning your behaviours to your values and incrementally, step by step you will gain self confidence, self-esteem and trust. You are learning how to step into your most authentic self, in this process, you are living as an unbridled soul, creating the reality you wish to live in – for this, I congratulate you. Decide where you want your momentum to take you and go there.

You are learning how to step into your most authentic self, in this process, you are living as an unbridled soul, creating the reality you wish to live in – for this, I congratulate you. Decide where you want your momentum to take you and go there.

michelle – an unbridled soul

Ask, Comment or Share

I would absolutely love for you to lean into this space. Please ask any questions you might have. Comment if there was something that really caught your attention. You are most welcome if you would like to share.

Share and Journal Prompts

Here are some prompts for your share, or they can be used as journal prompts. What do you desire for your reality? What do you feel you would like to practice? At what stage of learning/competence are you in? Show me your formula, what value do you have and what behaviour do you need to increase your self esteem/confidence? (For example: honesty + more open conversations = increase in self confidence and self esteem)