How Open Are You When:

Being open is a form of communication, verbally, through body language and facial expression. However your relationship with being open is also a form of communication with yourself. If you are present in the moment you will be able to acknowledge the thoughts, feelings and the patterns you are repeating, are they open or closed? The answer of which will either help or hinder you in communication. Are you open or closed? Ask yourself:

Upon asking yourself these questions, you may have an idea of how open you truly are in general. You might ask yourself why. Why am I closed off in scenarios that I would love to be open in? Why do I think that the other person will react in a negative way? Nerves are taking control, why? I feel defensive, why? Why do I keep reacting in the same way?

Every person I ask will have a different reason and so maybe that isn’t the most important part of why we all close off more than we’d like. For some it could be a loved ones reaction in the past, fear of disappointment, avoidance of conflict or emotion, maybe you are scared to be seen for who you truly are. All of these thoughts, feelings and patterns are relevant to some degree, they are hurtful, scary and intimidating. But this doesn’t need to be what you focus on.

Focus and Unfold

What we focus on is what will unfold. This is why the phrase “focus on what you want, not what you don’t want” is so well known. Your focus determines the way you show up. For example if you are heading into a conversation with a friend about something that has been bothering you and your thoughts are consumed with how they might respond. That you might hurt their feelings. That they will dismiss what you have to say. This may thwart your efforts at being open, honest, kind and sincere.

I know what this is like and I realised that I was taking on the responsibility of the other person’s reaction or response. By doing this I kept my tone, soft, light, uncertain, permissive. All the ways of diminishing myself for someone else’s comfort. Even after all of my precaution, I found that it doesn’t actually change the other person’s response or reaction, because that is and always will be their choice. Just as the way you show up, is always your choice. Another example, you might resort to anger, yelling, passive aggressive habits and yet the other person doesn’t hear you. Understand you. And by the end of it, you feel exhausted.

We adapt our communication because we so desperately want to be heard, understood and acknowledged. But that will always be the choice of the other person. Just as you have the choice to hear, understand and acknowledge another.

Focus on What You Want

If you are able to remain open to what is important to you and shift the focus that’s applied to your fears, to what you truly desire. You can watch the magic happen. Picture the same scenario. You approach a friend to discuss a matter that’s bothering you. This time your thoughts are full of what the friendship means to you, resolution, understanding your friend’s perspective and meeting in the middle. You feel hopeful that your friend will be understanding and compassionate. Your words will sound very different to the initial scenario above. A reminder, this still may not change the other persons reaction or response as that is their choice.

In both scenarios you are asserting who you are, where you stand, and what you desire. The difference is understanding the impact on yourself, the other person and the relationship. Are you encouraging a safe and loving way of communication that fosters connection? Or an unsafe, turbulent and resentful way of communication that breeds separation?

Our Challenge in Communication

Communication is a method of expressing yourself and being open for others to do the same. We can bridge the gap between our reality and someone else’s. I believe this occurs naturally. By the choice of two people that respect themselves, one another and the relationship in a balanced proportion, above their independent ‘needs’.

Focusing on what you want creates faith in yourself. Your ability to foster the resilience, strength and value within yourself, to increase your odds at experiencing the reality you want to live in. The difference between exercising courage and communicating what you want as opposed to doing nothing and destroying your chance at achieving your desires. The difference between saying hurtful things to force what you want and being open and honest about your perspective and hearing theirs.

Neither person is right or wrong. Only different. Our challenge within communication will be to find a way to meet the other person in the middle. Finding balance in two separate worlds and allowing them to merge to share a moment in time and space.

Open your mind as your focus will unfold your reality within yourself, therefore the way you show up in the world.

You Don’t Know

A friend of mine explained to me how she addressed an issue with one of her other friends regarding boundaries and it was such an insightful, fair and sincere way of communicating that I would love to share it with you. It goes like this, “I don’t feel that it’s fair for you to show up like xxx, because at that point in time you didn’t know where I was mentally, emotionally or physically.” (Physically if the person is not near you and they are contacting you via phone, internet etc.) This was such a concise reminder that you cannot understand what is going on in another person’s world so it’s important to speak to everyone with kindness and compassion. The same way you would want to be treated in a time of struggle.

I mention in Communication, the Essence of Connection, that our emotions want to be expressed. With this awareness, you now have the choice of how to express your emotion. I have found when emotions are most intense, that’s when they like to boil over in uncontrolled ways. This can cause hurt, misunderstanding and separation. When we understand that we are all going through life with emotions to express, it’s easier to remember the way those emotions are expressed have an impact. Just as it has impact on you when someone expresses emotion.

Compassion the Balance in Communication

I found the definition of Compassion in a Greater Good Magazine article; “Compassion literally means “to suffer together.” Among emotion researchers, it is defined as the feeling that arises when you are confronted with another’s suffering and feel motivated to relieve that suffering.” I also found that “scientists have started to map the biological basis of compassion, suggesting its deep evolutionary purpose. This research has shown that when we feel compassion, our heart rate slows down, we secrete the “bonding hormone” oxytocin, and regions of the brain linked to empathy, caregiving, and feelings of pleasure light up, which often results in our wanting to approach and care for other people.”

When our intention is care for ourselves and care for others, we can meet each other in that space. The space between not knowing and knowing. So that you may listen to what they are going through, and so that they may listen to you. It is through understanding one another that you can move forward, on the same page. What is occurring in the mind of another person can never be known by you. They are living in an entirely different world than your own. Same the other way around, it is only through communication that we can understand one another. Compassionate communication is the only way I have found to do so effectively almost every time. (We are still human)

Spell or Expel

Spelling into Your Reality

The way we speak to ourselves, therefore the way we speak to others determines our reality. They go hand in hand because whatever is occurring internally is reflected externally. You may have heard this as “spelling your reality.” Lets start with the internal. If you continue to tell yourself that you have an awful life, you have bad luck, you are incapable, your dreams are unrealistic, your too far away from your goals, you aren’t good at communicating, you have a temper, you don’t trust others. Whatever you are telling yourself, whatever you are thinking, it will all appear undoubtably true. This flows into the lives of those around you because these thoughts become your truths. The way you interact with others will reflect what your truths are. The state of your reality will also reflect to you the truths that grow truer with time.

I start with the negative outlook first as I know to some degree we all do this to ourselves. The doubt, the uncertainty, the nerves, the angst. They are all natural but you can also choose what the majority of your life looks like through taking control of your inner monologue and allow those truths that become truer with time to be thoughts of empowerment. I have a wonderful life, I have good luck and faith on my side – always, I am capable, my dreams are realistic and achievable, I am one step closer to my goals, I am a capable communicator and I want to get even better, I am learning how to balance my temper, I trust myself and I am trusting of others. Whatever you are telling yourself, whatever you are thinking, it will all appear undoubtably true.

How we think and communicate is a choice.

Expelling (ex-spelling) in Your Reality

Avoidance, according to the Cambridge dictionary is to “to stay away from someone or something.” Avoidance does not make anything less real. So it’s safe to say that avoidance cannot be used as a method of resolution. It can be tempting to avoid hard conversations, settings, choices, actions, decisions because speaking into these things will make it all the more real. However, avoiding any of these things will not change the things or matters themselves. It is the opposite of being open, engaged or immersed in the experience. We avoid addressing how we feel and what is real, which only internalises the struggle. As we know, what occurs within, will find a way to be expressed externally. If you are not openly choosing this, it will occur in an uncontrolled way.

I like the play on words between Spelling and Expelling. I’d like to focus on Expelling (ex-spelling). Expelling what no longer serves you. Ex- is a prefix originating from the Latin, meaning “out of, from.” Expel means to drive or force out, to evict, for someone or something never to return. So together I see the combined meaning, to expel out, from within. We are emotional creatures. Our emotions want to be expressed. Thoughts and the spoken word are forms of expression. So it makes sense that when thoughts are running wild in your mind, you require a form of expression to expel the stagnant and disruptive thoughts and emotions. This can be talking to someone you trust, listening to music, dancing, painting, writing, exercise. When we clear out the old, we make space for the new.

Why New Content is So Important

Progress is Human Nature

So we mentioned before that our thoughts determine how we see our reality. To put this into perspective, did you know the majority of thoughts you had yesterday, you will have again today. I believe this is the very reason, extended portions of our lives stay the same for as long as they do. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result can be compared to insanity. Often the way we show up is not in alignment with our dreams and yet we become disappointed with our reality because it’s not reflective of what we want for ourselves. In Muscle Momentum I speak about aligning your values and behaviours. It’s basically a map to your desired reality, as our desired reality is blueprinted within our souls. Along the way, change will be required because it is human nature to seek progress.

Moment by Moment

I do understand that we don’t know what we don’t know. However we are living in times of abundant knowledge at our fingertips. If you trust yourself, your intuition and the force that has divinely orchestrated the world we live in, you will find a way and opportunities will present themselves. What are you interested in? Food, philosophy, music, fitness, health, law, science, art, acting, politics, teaching? Use Google, YouTube, Spotify, Chat GPT, Books. All of the resources you can think of and lean into what is truly important to you. The more you focus on what you want, the more you will show up this way and your reality will unfold as such. We have all the tools we need at our disposal in the present to create the futures we want to live in. Including the tools you have within you.

We aren’t manifesting only when we focus on our goals, taking deep breaths, praying, meditating, creating vision boards etc. We are manifesting all the time, within the present. The more you expose yourself to new content, the more you learn, the more likely you are to align your thoughts, emotions and actions according to the reality you want. You will see, moment by moment, you will be living it. Then it becomes your true reality and not a destination or dream. That can start now. Right now.

Break the Moulds

A friend of mine is currently working in Italy, she’s been there for about a month now. We were talking on the phone and she said to me “I feel SO expressive here!” I immediately got sucked into a memory from the time I was solo travelling in Bali. I also felt incredibly expressive and free. I felt bold, confident and enthusiastic about how I was showing up. Then I had this realisation that when you don’t have people you know around you, you show up differently. Why is that?

My theory goes like this. You may have heard me say “I’m not who I think I am, I am who I think, you think, I am.” When we are constantly surrounded by the same people. Partners, family, friends, colleagues etc. We create an image, a mould of ourselves, how we believe these people see us. How strange. WE create those moulds. Then WE play those roles. We become very good at playing those roles, we become stuck in those moulds and we limit ourselves. Even when those roles don’t feel authentic anymore, we’re like mimes stuck in an invisible box.

Embrace the Authentic Self

I think this happens when change occurs around us and within us, but we have not embodied the internal change yet. Lets take the parent and child dynamic as an example. You’ve moved out, you’re experiencing adult life in all aspects, yet you visit home and you fall back into the same dynamic of being the child. You have not yet embodied showing up as an adult in the presence of your parents. That could look like speaking into what’s true for you without fear of reprimand. Helping around the home instead of expecting the parent to care for you. Giving your perspective based on your experience. Allowing your parent the opportunity to open up about their own experiences without their need to shield you from the reality of the world.

If we continue to play the same roles, stuck in the same moulds, without change. There is no progress, no growth, no new experiences. When you travel, there are no familiar roles to play and so you play the role of your authentic self. You break the moulds you have created for yourself. Travel is only an example of how this can be done. Although, considering you are the one that creates the moulds and decides to act accordingly. You equally have the choice at any time, to honour and embrace your authentic self, to break the mould. Choose open connection within your reality. Within your relationships. Open communication and connection makes us stronger. Better versions of ourselves because we learn from one another. We grow together. If we so choose.

How Open Are You?

The definition of Open from the Oxford Languages is “allowing access, passage, or a view through an empty space; not closed or blocked.” How open are you to the aspects of you that are not authentic to your truest self? The thoughts, emotions and actions that you have carried forth. That no longer serve you, pieces of the mould that are stuck to you. I believe you are ready to let those pieces go and that is why you have found this post. Allow new thoughts, new emotions and new actions to create the reality that you wish to live in, now. The choice is yours. Allow access, passage to your authentic self to be embodied in the present.

Ask, Comment or Share

I would absolutely love for you to lean into this space. Please ask any questions you might have. Comment if there was something that really caught your attention. You are most welcome if you would like to share.

Share and Journal Prompts

How open are you on a scale from 1-5? In which scenarios would you like to be more open? Write down what you want in your reality, in whichever area of life you would like (relationship, friendship, work, new connections, new experiences etc.) Write down a list of people you would like to have more compassion for (make sure you are on this list.) What does your self talk look like – what are you spelling into your reality? Share or journal on some thoughts, emotions or actions you would like to expel. List your interests, what would you like to learn about? Write down the qualities of your most authentic self.