What is Depression?

Does it feel like your life is out of alignment? Are there aspects of you that are literally depressed? What does this truly mean and how do you navigate this space?

Have you noticed the pieces of you that call out when you walk past a music store, maybe for you it’s a restaurant, a bookstore, a travel centre, a clothing store or car dealership? But you keep walking? Does a piece of you call out in desperation when you pick up a paint brush, write a poem, sing a song? Is there a piece of you that aches with longing when you think of people in your life you have let go of? A regret, a hope, a dream that is locked within your heart? How long have you said no to those pieces of yourself? How long have these pieces been depressed? Ask yourself, what has the cost been of saying no? Sometimes the cost is being tired. Exhausted. Lack of drive. Hopelessness. Each day looks darker than the last.

Deep Rest

I once heard Jim Carrey’s perspective on Depression which comes from Jeff Foster. Depressed is Deep Rest. Your body (and I believe your soul) is exhausted from playing the character that you have been trying to play. The character that is compressed inside the boxes of should be, should have been, could be, have been told to be, not enough. Something is out of alignment and your body is physically telling you enough is enough. It is suffocating, it is debilitating, it’s uncomfortable and it’s all consuming. It swallows you.

You must enter this period of rest so that you may become aware of what the cost is of saying no to all the right things and saying yes to the wrong ones. Right and wrong for you should be decided by you for it is your experience that you are here for. It is time to start choosing the character that is in alignment with you. Your truest and most authentic self. What does that look like for you?

Attachment and Authenticity

Something that I would love for you to have a look at is a podcast hosted by Steven Bartlett – The Diary of a CEO with his guest, Gabor Mate called The Shocking Link between Kindness and Illness. (The podcast can also be found on the Resources page, along with other goodies.) There is so much imperative information in this podcast, for my fellow people pleasers out there, please watch it! The section of the podcast I would like to highlight for now is what encourages us to blur the line between saying yes or no, when we always truly have the answer that is in alignment with us and our true character. Gabor speaks into attachment and authenticity and how and why we compromise on either.

Attachment

When we are young, we are naturally attached to our parents/guardians. They teach us what is rewarded and what is frowned upon, we adapt our behaviour accordingly because our attachment to our parents at that stage is a need for us as children. Without knowing, this can lead to us compromising our authenticity. Do you remember your parents saying anything like, don’t be angry, don’t be sad, don’t be silly, don’t play with that, don’t do this – do that instead. If we played along we were rewarded and we believe the attachment to them is stronger.

Authenticity

This is not a blame game, simply how we learnt when we are younger. Parents raise us to the best of their ability with the tools they have. For so long, all of us have been taught to deny our authenticity to fit in. I believe it’s time to stand out. That is our strength and our right. When you lean into your authenticity, it’s a healthy expression of yourself led by your intuition. Keep being curious, expressive, inquisitive, embrace your safe space, your hobbies and your passions. The more you do this, the healthier your attachments will be to others, because you will find those who accept you, as you are. You will honour your yes and your no and you will respect others that do the same.

So, how do we get there?

Integration

Depression is your body and your soul showing you that it’s tired of playing the same character. If you can no longer uphold this character and reality you have created then there is a pivotal aspect required in your life. Change.

How does change occur? For me, I know it’s not by someone telling me to change my ways. No matter their good intentions. Do you believe that change only comes from within and it cannot be forced? We can understand that change is required but there are too many complexities that play into why we don’t. An integral piece required prior to change is integration. All happens exactly as it should. When you are able to accept what has happened, learn from it and use that knowledge in situations going forward, that is integration. Once integration has occurred, we can be open to new possibilities and new outcomes. Specifically in this context, integration of our past, present and future. If you are curious about the concept of everything happening exactly as it should, check out The Key to the Paradox of You and The Divine.

PAST – Example vs. Intuition

I see our past as a mixture between our Examples vs. Intuition and which one we have decided to follow.

Examples

What ideals, stories, habits, behaviours and beliefs were exemplified, not just in what you were told but what you were shown? That you follow this religion. Relationships are safe or unsafe. Love for you is conditional or unconditional. Friendships are healthy or unhealthy. Speaking up is moral or disrespectful. Emotions are welcome or inconvenient. Handle conflict kindly and honestly or be defensive and avoid conflict. Sport and exercise are important or uncomfortable and unfamiliar. Learning is exciting or hard. That you had to look a certain way. Be a certain way. Enjoy certain things. Achieve certain things. They say children are like sponges, I agree.

Intuition

What did your inner compass tell you? When did you agree with your parents/guardians, not because you had to but because it felt right? What felt true to you? When you were younger what were you called to do? What was important to you in your spare time? What brought you joy? These questions invite your intuition to jump in and provide the answers that feel fitting for you. Sometimes you will have found the fitting examples through your guardians or those around you. Other times it would have been your internal guide, showing you the way, your intuition. Do you trust that inner guide even now. Or is that voice really quiet and hard to find?

If so, you have found a deep aspect of you that is depressed. This is the voice that tells you honestly if your answer is yes or no. Your examples, the ‘good’ and ‘bad’, and your intuition influences how you live your life, which ones are you listening to? This is important because the ones you listen to determine which end of the emotional spectrum you’re closer to, depressed or joyful.

PRESENT – Power of Presence

Do you accept yourself as you are? By accepting yourself as you are, you take your power and responsibility back in terms of choosing who you are. If you accept who you are, you can be aware of what you would like to change, what you appreciate about yourself and you would be open to embodying how you would like to be. All of this, happens in the present.

The past follows

We bring our past with us if we are unaware of it. The depressed aspects of us, bubble out in other ways. I can give you an example of a pattern that followed me without awareness of it, until recently. My family moved around a lot. The easiest way to tell you how much is to tell you that I have been a student of 12 different schools and I lost count of how many different houses we lived in. When you move this often as a kid, you learn to adapt. Each school has different people, sometimes different cultures, sports, activities and standards. So you change very quickly to ensure that you can fit in. This is naturally how I was in our family too.

I was afraid to ‘rock the boat’ for fear of not being liked or included. To ensure I stayed in the ‘good’ books. I followed the example to be good, kind, soft, caring, not too loud or expressive. Although, I depressed the opposites of these qualities so they remained unpracticed. I started to learn that if I could adapt quickly, it was more likely that the people around me would like me, because I was more like them. This pattern served me well throughout school, even in job interviews. Unbalanced, it only served me well for so long.

What fear has followed you?

Where I found that this pattern was compromising my well being was in my relationships. I would be self critical if I felt like I had said too much, I would overthink if I had spoken about something that’s important to me, wondering what they thought of me. By this point I had started practising what it was like to be me but the fear of being excluded or disliked simply for being me, followed me around.

It changed the way I spoke, acted and related to others. How you do one thing is how you do everything so I realised I was also critical of others. I wasn’t aware of this because my intention has always been to be helpful or kind, but there was an abrupt part of me that was adamant that criticality was a necessity, so that we could ‘fit in’. This was the depressed part of me that needed to be heard. It was my intuition, that said it’s important for me to be able to express myself. I just hadn’t had much practice communicating this to others.

What aspect of you is depressed?

When someone close to me communicated to me that I was doing this, and I was ready to accept it as an unpracticed aspect of me. I could see it was a coping mechanism from my younger years that I no longer needed and I could now practice integrating how I had learnt to be and the way I knew I wanted to interact with myself and others. Have a look at Muscle Momentum to explore practice.

It became clear that I no longer need to adapt because I am surrounded by people who accept me as I am and I was brave enough to believe that if someone didn’t, then we didn’t belong in each others lives. I no longer want to hear my tone change with uncertainty, smallness, abruptness or anxiety. I had depressed my outspoken self, my creative self, my bubbliness, knowledge and self expression and now I choose all of these aspects of myself. What part of you has been depressed and what does your reality look like when this part returns to you? Please tell me in the Ask, Comment or Share section, I would love to know.

FUTURE – What Do You Want?

At this stage, you may be aware if you have been following the example, or your intuition. You may have an understanding of where that puts you on the spectrum of emotion. You will also know if you are ready to accept yourself as you are, knowing that perhaps a story, behaviour or pattern has been stronger than your intuition for too long. If that is the case for you, then I believe you are ready to listen to your inner truth. Your intuition knows at all times which way to go, what you want, where you want to be, what you want in your life and how you want to show up. Are you listening?

Your Inner Truth

I would like to refer back to the podcast I mentioned earlier. Gabor Mate mentions that these stories we tell ourselves, these examples we follow, they become second nature. However, our first nature is always there. What comes to you most naturally is your intuition. Your intrinsic yes and your intrinsic no. This helps you navigate if you are making decisions based on attachment or authenticity. In a way that serves you or it doesn’t. What you want more or less of. This ability to trust and act on your intuition, directly relates to your health and well being.

Integration of your past, present and future is paramount. Acknowledge your past, be aware of your present and understand what you want. Ask yourself, “what do I want?” The more you follow your intuition you will understand what you want for your future, the more you follow your first nature, the more you are able to accept that this world is full of possibility and doesn’t have to be a repeat cycle of what you have experienced.

What Was I Made For?

Please listen to Billy Eilish’s song What Was I Made For. (This song can also be found on the Resources page, along with other goodies.) When we stop listening to our intuition for extended periods of time, we lose ourselves, aspects of ourselves become depressed. Have you misplaced your reason for being here? Your purpose? Your voice? Are you expressing your passions? Your emotions? Your dreams? I believe we are here, to be us, for us and for those around us. What do you believe?

The first time I pictured depression shifting. I saw a beautiful black and white landscape drawing of a jungle, a great waterfall cushioned by the forest surrounding it. You might like to picture a city full of skyscrapers and windows into peoples lives at night. Streets bustling with people heading to who knows where. As my lens on depression started shifting I saw a hand splash colour onto these drawings.

Colour breathed life into the artwork. I could see the colours return to the leaves and trees, the waterfall gushing freely, loudly, unapologetically, sunlight streaming into the dark corners of the jungle. I saw the lights in the skyscrapers turn on and shine brightly, the movement of life and exploration. The movement of the natural order. The same natural order that exists within us. We are here to breath life into our existence by trusting ourselves and the greater orchestration of life. We are here for our experience. I honour you for your depth of experience and I wish you all the colour and contrast that life has to offer. May you live a full and unbridled life.

Poetic Healing – Heather Lea Poetry

To welcome and embrace your emotions and the depth of your experience, please read the below poem created by one of my favourite poets Heather Lea – please click on her name to discover more of her beautiful creations.

You are not a person, but a focal point where the universe is becoming conscious of itself.

eckhart tolle

Ask, Comment or Share

I would absolutely love for you to lean into this space. Please ask any questions you might have. Comment if there was something that really caught your attention. You are most welcome if you would like to share.

Share and Journal Prompts

Here are some prompts for your share, or they can be used as journal prompts. What does depression mean to you? Do you have a healthy relationship with attachment and authenticity in your life? What fear has followed you from your past? Do you accept your reality and your character as it is? Are you seeing in black and white or colour? Do you listen to your intuition? What do you believe you are here for?