Choose your paradigm. You are constantly living in a complex network of paradigms. The way you lean into an experience in one area of your life will reflect to you how you lean into all experiences. That is how you experience your life, when you know this, you can start truly living your life. Let me show you.
Boundaries & Passions
How many times have you said yes when it should have been no? More times than you can count? I believe this is the same for most of us. How many times have you lost your words or struggled to find the right ones when someone has overstepped? Why is this? What is it that you’re feeling? Overwhelmed, stressed, pressured, targeted? Where do you believe this thought process comes from? If this is the case for you in regards to your boundaries then you will see the same affliction follows you in other areas of your life such as your passions.
I think you will find when you enhance your ability to communicate your boundaries effectively, you will increase your conviction as you speak about your passions. This is because they are both linked by the same paradigm you hold in relation to the way you show up in the world and how you will be perceived. When you are able to clearly state your boundaries, you will also find that your energy will be spent on doing what you like. You will be able to say no to the things, people or places that drain your energy. You will be able to lean into your passions and experience them fully. Both your boundaries and your passions go hand in hand as they are a reflection of what you believe of yourself.
Conditional and Unconditional Love
We are taught to have expectations. You can lean into this perspective in The Clearest Lens post. Those very expectations can give us an indication of what we desire in our relationships. However, expectations are different to standards and I believe expectations create an environment for conditional love. Unconditional love is exactly that, love that is not ‘subject to any conditions.’ I recently watched the movie Set It Up and this quote stole my attention because I saw a glimpse of unconditional love.
“When I was little, my grandmother, she used to say: “You like because, and you love despite.” You like someone because of all of their qualities, and you love someone despite some of their qualities.”
Becca Character in the movie Set It Up
Do You Love Conditionally or Unconditionally?
When we have conditional love for ourselves it looks like this. “I will appreciate myself when”, “I will do this once I have…” we are enforcing a set of beliefs that are a part of a paradigm we are living in. This flows into our relationships with others. “I will appreciate you when”, “I will do this for you once I have…”. Simply having specific criteria for yourself without gratitude of who and where you are in the present, creates the same for others in your reality. This happens whether you are aware of this or not.
Think about a ‘need’ that you have expressed to a loved one. “I need you to spend more time with me”, “I need you to change the way you do …” We make these statements inferring that we are displeased with the way they are currently showing up and will continue being displeased if they do not change. Too many of us believe that we are not loved and someone must prove to us that we are. This paradigm dictates ‘without this need being met I am not loved.’
We have lived by this paradigm for so long that we use these beliefs as a compass to indicate ‘success’, ‘healthy relationships’, ‘good behaviour’ and we have not stopped to challenge if this is true, or not? We act in alignment with our outdated paradigms and create turmoil. Instead of truly knowing within ourselves that we are love and we are loved. All of us. Do you believe that love is uniquely expressed and it cannot always be defined in the same way? When we are able to shift the paradigm of conditional love, you can lean into a state of unconditional love, where growth naturally occurs, within yourself, your relationships and your environment.
Avoidance and Achievement
Have you noticed a pattern of avoidance in your life? Someone has asked you to complete a task and you still haven’t. You’re aching to speak to someone about the way you feel and you haven’t leaned in yet. You desperately want to start exercising but you’re not quite there yet. You want to lean into your hobbies but you don’t have time. Your patterns of avoidance will ensure your lack of connection with yourself and others. Why do we do this when we know the outcome? What paradigm is feeding this theme in your life? Have you adopted the idea that you aren’t good enough? That you aren’t capable? Maybe you’re afraid of letting someone down or upsetting them? Have you gathered evidence to support this idea?
The hardest part of a paradigm shift is having the courage to catch the story you tell yourself. To be brave enough to consider that another perspective might be true. Achievement comes from practice and practice is not friends with avoidance. At what point will you look at your reality and see that the ‘truths’ you have been living by have created sadness, disappointment, dissatisfaction and lack of fulfillment in many areas of your life. These are all indicators that it may not be ‘true’. Very real for you all the same, but the more you avoid this, the harder it gets. I know that change can occur before reaching this amount of dis-ease. You have to be brave enough to try something different and to trust yourself, you have to practice. Lean into concepts of practice in the Muscle Momentum post.
Comparison and Individuality
Do you believe your value is determined by the comparison of others? This is a dangerous belief. To compare yourself to another is to disregard your individuality and to diminish it whenever another is near you. Or on the other hand to amplify your own and to diminish another’s individuality.
“Comparison is the thief of joy”
President Theodore Roosevelt
If you determine your joy by the fluctuations of who is around you at any given time, and your measure of their ‘success’ or lack thereof, you will have little faith in yourself. Somewhere along the line we have looked outside of ourselves to know if we are making progress. If we are doing enough good. Whether or not we may have joy in our lives. Are you comfortable with giving away so much of your experience? To take so much away from another person’s experience? I believe when we trust our individuality we have a map towards our own joy. Perhaps it is when we start to follow our own path instead of someone else’s that we truly experience life.
What brings you immersive joy? Changes you have made in your life for you? Pursuing hobbies your heart was yearning for? A creative project that has been calling your name for too long? Helping others? Travelling? Racing cars? Writing a book? Blogging? Being a social media influencer? Being a parent? Having a restful day? Eating pizza? It doesn’t matter how big or small, leaning into your individuality is leaning into joy. When you are able to do this, you can lean into what brings joy to others too.
Will You Shift Your Paradigm?
The paradigm you choose has a ripple effect that begins with you and threads through your life and the lives of others.
Or do these aspects of your life coincide coincidentally? Why does the way you lean into one area of your life impact another area? Well because they are linked by one very specific thing. The story behind them, the paradigm you are living in. Lets look at the first example I used of aspects in your life that are impacted by your paradigms. If you don’t believe your boundaries are important or that someone else’s boundaries are more important than your own. This may be a story you tell yourself that is attached to your worth and if that is the case, then of course you will see your passions as unimportant. You may believe that they are not worthy to be expressed or shared.
On the other hand, if you trust yourself, if you want to lean into your experience of life and create magic in your reality. Your paradigm can shift, you can kindly and lovingly state your boundaries. You will then share your passions in the same way, with conviction, knowing they are important and necessary. You will know that there is someone out there that needs you. Will you show up?
Lasting Change
I spoke to someone special to me and they suggested that you could focus on changing your habits. This made it very clear in my mind that this is what we’re taught to do. However lasting change is hard to accomplish when you don’t understand why there is resistance to pursue what you wish for. I believe the symptoms of an outdated paradigm, such as resistance, will only impact another area of your life and the way you feel. If you force yourself to do something differently without understanding the first habit, it will impact how you are feeling even within your new habits. This is due to the belief you have, the story you tell yourself, the paradigm that you are living in. The underlying paradigm must be addressed for true change to occur.
What paradigm are you reinforcing by showing up in the same way. Do you know you can change this? Have a look at Muscle Momentum to explore aspects of practice. At what point will you stop to have a look at the stories you tell yourself and ask yourself, are they really true? Is this the way I want to create my reality, or is it time to change the story? Whichever story you choose, will be the story you pass on too.
Ask, Comment and Share
I would absolutely love for you to lean into this space. Please ask any questions you might have. Comment if there was something that really caught your attention. You are most welcome if you would like to share.
Share and Journal Prompts
Here are some prompts for your share, or they can be used as journal prompts. What paradigms have been following you? What is your new paradigm? Will you lean into your experience either way so that you may learn what is in alignment with you and what is not?
