While you are reading this post, I ask for three things. Relax. Believe. Receive. This is the natural flow of being. Allow this to return to you and be open to reconsidering your relationship with stress.
Familiar and Unfamiliar Stress
Familiar Stress
What is your perspective on choice when it comes to stress? I think in most cases, we assume that the familiar is comfortable and the unfamiliar uncomfortable. Especially when you reach the inevitable scenarios in life, where you know change is required. In this case, it will be true more often than not that the unfamiliar is more comfortable in the long run because this is where you will find the processes of growth and change. However, we are orientated towards stability, safety and certainty, this often keeps us in the familiar and away from what we want most. Have you heard of the concept of the frog in boiling water?
“Frogs cannot sense a slow change in the temperature of the water around them. If you plunge them into boiling water they’ll immediately jump out. But if you place them into room temperature water and slowly heat it to boiling, the frog won’t notice and will slowly cook to death.” Not a great visual but metaphorically we can be the same. How many people, that you know, have stayed in jobs, relationships, living circumstances, friendships, locations that they’re unhappy or uncomfortable in – you might be one of these people too, I know I have been. They are extremely familiar and uncomfortable with these scenarios and yet they don’t leave or make any changes. They believe that they need to stay.
Unfamiliar Stress
You always have choice. Will you try initial discomfort and the stress of the unfamiliar so that you may move through scenarios that no longer serve you and experience the reality that is in alignment with you? I’m sure you have heard of the relief when people finally make that change and they lean into how comfortable the unfamiliarity is? Maybe you’ve experienced this yourself? This occurs when you are brave enough to believe in yourself and the decisions you make. Either way you will have stress. However one version of stress is indefinite and paralysing, the other is constructive and useful for the growth of who you are and the life you wish to create. Don’t choose to be a frog.
Pain Tolerance
This is something that needs to be urgently addressed. We wear pain like a badge of honour. We believe that we need to endure drastic amounts of pain and this is a symbol of success. Why do we do this? What if we said NO to pain? Lets say you’re sick and instead of pushing through, you say no and you choose rest. A relationship is inconducive and you say no to the prolonged process before the inevitable. You play out the same patterns that hurt you and those around you, but this time you say no and you choose to show up differently. Sometimes this is a small change, you say please, you say please stop that, you say no thank you, you say I’d like to leave now, I’d like to eat this instead. We deny ourselves, even the smallest of things, where does this come from? And more importantly, what impact does this have?
There are a couple of dots that I have connected recently that you might be able to relate to.
Dot One
Structure of School
When you’re in school, you learn a few things quickly. You are told what to do, how to do it, when where and why to do certain things. They tell you how you must think, what you are allowed to do, or not. When you are allowed to do things and only once permission has been granted. All dictated in a classroom. Your grades determine your worth and your future success, this is compared to those around you. You’re told to behave, fit in and look like the rest. When you leave they tell you which direction you should take, that there aren’t many options. You’re told that your future must be planned, and you should have it figured out by the time you graduate.
Dot Two
Structure of Employment
For approximately 12 years you are trained for employment. To fit into the working force. At that stage you have been integrated into the realm of people pleasing. Add cash into the balance to keep you in the same realm of obeying orders. You work, you’re rewarded, you work, you’re rewarded. A cycle that mimics stability and validation and yet we all seem to reach a point where we ask ourselves the same questions. “How did I get here and what am I doing with my life?”
These questions normally come up when you’ve had enough of asking for permission and waiting for the response, waiting for the raise or title that takes 10 years to arrive, or never. Comparing yourself to your colleagues and determining your worth through your title or income. When you have fully misplaced the version of you that knows what you want. The version of you that finds joy and fulfillment within yourself.
Dot Three
Structure of the Progression of Life (School, Work, Retirement)
You will all have seen this example, time and time again. School. Work. Retirement. In the mix you might have marriage, buy a house, have children. This progression and expectation of life breeds stress and does not allow us to LIVE for ourselves, for our loved ones, for those we are able to serve. Let me ask you a few questions. By the end of the questions you will know if you feel like you have been well prepared for life in general, by the teachings you have experienced until now.
1. Do you understand human physiology and biology?
2. Do you know of multiple ways that you are able to earn an income?
3. Do you know what your passions are?
4. Do you know how to process your own emotions?
5. Are you an excellent communicator?
6. If you are a female, do you understand what your body will endure in the process of growing and birthing a baby?
7. Do you understand the intimacy and energetics of sex?
8. Are you aware of the impact of family dynamics?
9. Do you know how to nurture yourself?
Now let me ask you a final question. Was any of this knowledge taught to you or shared with you in school, at work or by anyone you know? If not, as I believe that will be the answer from the majority. How are we supposed to excel in our lives? In our communities? When we do not understand ourselves and the reality we live in?
Reality
When you start to live outside of the image created for us as to how our lives should look. You make a few strange discoveries of the beliefs we have that have come from the above structures. I would like to debunk some of those beliefs now by replacing them with thoughts that you can act according to. So that you may create your own evidence of beliefs that support you and the life you want.
- You are allowed to choose what to do. How to do it. When, where and why you do it. This is your choice now and always has been.
- Productivity is presence with what is most important to you, your intuition will guide you.
- Intuition is a better guide than the opinions of others.
- Your worth is rooted in who you are, not what you are paid, there will always be more money to make.
- The flow of life is balanced. You will experience all emotions, how you interact with them is your choice.
- There is always more to learn and to discover, our ways of life are all unique.
- Allow yourself to be bored.
- Don’t hold back, but incorporate rest as a non-negotiable – balance in all aspects.
- Invest in trusting yourself. Learning about yourself. Understanding yourself.
Example of Perceived Reality
These are all aspects that we might diminish or disregard as unimportant or not a priority and yet these are all inherent tools to ensure each individuals success. Most importantly, your success will come from within.
Here is a more in depth example. My perspective on productivity changed from the traditional Monday to Friday, 9am-5pm routine to trusting that I am a capable conduit of embodying my true ‘work’. At first, the flow of your day will feel unproductive, especially if you are still figuring out what you now want to do with your time. When your output isn’t the same, you feel as though you are unproductive. When realistically you are productive all the time because YOU are creating the work. Your work is always an extension of you and sometimes productivity takes a while to show because you are operating in a different reality. The rules are different. The key ingredients here are trust, determination and perseverance.
We are accustomed to working for an agreed period of time then getting renumerated for that time. When this structure of immediate return changes, it’s easy to doubt yourself. When you feel stagnant or bored, you might feel like there isn’t any progress. These are symptoms of a changing reality and it’s quite uncomfortable initially. It is imperative to trust yourself and the process that all happens exactly as it should when it should. Tough times and moments will often hold you hostage and when this happens your determination and perseverance will free you. Remember there is a balance to the way we experience life. You will experience waves, but you will become more skilled in surfing those waves the more you dedicate yourself to your ‘work’.
Stress
My definition of stress is ‘an indicator of experience and/or importance to an individual’. This is why we all experience stress differently and in different circumstances. Stress is deeply misunderstood and managed. However, it has the potential to be one of the BEST tools for growth and awareness.
Stress shows you what you are prioritising and where your focus is orientated. When you ask yourself why you are stressing, you will find that you are doubting your confidence or ability/your experience in what you are about to undergo. Or you might find that you are about to do something that is incredibly important to you and so you feel stressed because you care about the outcome. Neither is a bad version of stress, simply natural emotions experienced in circumstances that you deem important. Stress is energy, energy that can be used by you. The way you utilise stress is your choice.
Here are some examples, comment below which scenarios cause feelings of stress for you. Work deadlines, you won’t feel at ease until the work is complete. Relationship troubles, you will not feel at ease until matters are resolved. Taking the leap and pursuing what you would love to do – the fear of not making this a success will cause stress, because it’s important to you.
How to Use Stress as a Tool
At that point in time, when stress says hello, ask yourself, “What am I prioritising? Is the way I’m showing up, reflective of what is truly important to me?” This is an excellent way of understanding the type of stress you are experiencing (faith in your experience or importance to you). Also, where your focus is centralised (the optimistic outcome or the fear of failure.)
For example, if your work deadlines are causing you stress. Are you utilising this stress as a healthy motivator to get tasks done, therefore the importance that’s reflected is executing your deadline? Or are you avoiding work or not asking for help and causing unhealthy stress, therefore the implied importance for you, is short term comfort and avoiding conflict.
If you are at odds with your partner and you are not speaking to them, are your prioritising your pride, therefore the implied importance is yourself and your own needs? Or do you decide to speak to them from a compassionate space, therefore the importance is the relationship and what that person means to you.
Are you afraid of making your dreams come true? If so, are you prioritising your actions orientated to the right direction, therefore the importance is realising the dream itself, or are you limiting yourself with procrastination and therefore the implied importance is your fear?
Stress can be healthy when your focus is orientated to an optimistic outcome. This is what we all truly desire. Are you brave enough to lean into the possibility of an optimistic outcome, therefore strive for it?
Your reality is determined by
michelle – unbridled soul
THE CHOICES YOU MAKE. THE ABSOLUTES YOU STATE. THE ACTIONS YOU TAKE.
CHOICES, ABSOLUTES, ACTIONS
I want to explore what keeps us in the familiar, even when it’s uncomfortable. What do you think keeps us in the same patterns?
The same answer actually applies to getting comfortable with the unfamiliar. What do you think encourages us to make a change?
These three aspects of how you show up will determine whether things stay the same for you. Or create change, abundance and the reality you wish to experience. You have to decide what you would prefer to face; the familiar or unfamiliar and what that means to you. When you ask yourself, what choices you are making, what absolutes are you stating and what actions are you taking, you will find a pattern across these three aspects that enforce the way you live.
You will see that you are orientated either to familiar or unfamiliar and this is where you can identify where change is required.
Choices
Stress will show you where you are out of alignment, it is a CHOICE, to go in a certain direction when you reach a fork in the road. Each choice will take you closer to your truest vision, the journey you go on however will be different.
To make choices with your best interest at heart, including the interest of those around you, requires trust. Trust of yourself. This occurs by making choices directly in line with your truest vision. So when you reach a fork in the road where you gain awareness that the familiar is uncomfortable and you are uncertain about the unfamiliar. Think about how you want the journey to unfold. Making decisions regardless of temporary emotions is a skill that is hard to acquire and very rarely do people dare to attain it. This is a recipe for growth. The biggest impact comes from the smallest choices, on a consistent basis. So next time you reach a fork in the road, pretend one sign says FAMILIAR and the other UNFAMILIAR. We know now, sometimes following the familiar route can be more dangerous than the unfamiliar. Especially when it’s time for change.
Will you choose to align yourself with your truest vision?
Absolutes
When I talk about absolutes, I’m talking about the statements we make with absolute certainty.
Absolutes are interesting and sometimes work against us. As an example, ‘can’t’ is a definition of capability and is an absolute. I know humans and the universe are too complex to make a statement this bold. Absolutes such as this leave no room for movement, change, leniency, patience or growth. To say ‘I can’t’ can be a premature statement that ripples into your understanding and interpretation of your capability that is not reflective of truth but will play out in your reality regardless.
When you define your ability to ‘can’t’, when you are absolute in any perspective and you refuse to remain open, you leave no room for your reality to shift, for curiosity, learning, growing, connection, serendipity, faith, or for change. Will you allow your language to change? Will you stop and question the next time you hear yourself uttering absolutes?
Actions
Do you know the impact of your actions? Especially the small ones? Here is an example. I choose not to blog, today. Then again tomorrow. And again. Then I start stating that I cannot keep posting, that I’m not providing value or no one will see it. The way I show up now is avoidance, and I become out of alignment with my truest vision. We wait for motivation to come around and save us. In most cases it shows up rarely, without enough force to sustain change. My ongoing inaction in this case, creates stagnation in my reality. I also enforce the belief of my incapability.
VS.
If I choose to blog regardless of my emotion, I boldly state my truth which is that my work is important to ME, that I will show up, that I am capable. Those who need to see it, will. The way I show up can now transmute to consistent, invigorated, excited actions and I become more in alignment with my truest vision which is to be of service whilst living the best life available to me. I enforce my new belief that I am capable of living my best life, in a way that I choose to create it.
With the above as an example, what are you choosing, what are you stating and what are you doing? Is this in alignment with your truest vision? You are the only person that can bring this true vision to life, one step at a time.
Find out how open you are to change in this post: How Open Are You?.
Believe
In the post The Clearest Lens I speak about expectations and where they come from. Beliefs are much the same. My husband and I attended Steven Bartlett’s Business and Life Speaking tour on 05/04/2024. Steven spoke about the fact that we do not choose our beliefs. They come from the evidence we have gathered throughout our lives. Through our interactions with family, friends, society our lifestyles. He also speaks about trust in oneself and uses a perfect example to explain how we damage our self trust. If a friend agreed to meet you somewhere and never shows. They do this repeatedly. How long will you trust this friend?
Now turn the scenario around and remember all the times you have told yourself that you will show up differently. And you haven’t. The key to believing in yourself is in your everyday choices, your everyday statements and your everyday actions. Everyone has the opportunity to believe in themselves, they just have to try. You will gain momentum the more you do this, like exercising a muscle. (You might enjoy reading Muscle Momentum at this time.)
Trust in You
If you are wanting a life created by you. Then you must be brave enough to do something different. Learn to believe in yourself and who you are. Learn to trust yourself within the unfamiliar, use stress to your advantage and make the most of your life that can be determined by you. Your intuition will guide you the rest of the way.
PS. I would highly recommend Steven Bartlett’s podcast – Diary of a CEO. Also his books; Happy Sexy Millionaire and The 33 Laws of Business and Life.
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Ask, Comment or Share
I would absolutely love for you to lean into this space. Please ask any questions you might have. Comment if there was something that really caught your attention. You are most welcome if you would like to share.
Share and Journal Prompts
Here are some prompts for your share, or they can be used as journal prompts. Have you experienced familiar and unfamiliar stress, if so, which did you prefer in hindsight, and why? Have you considered how you live your life in context of the structures we are taught? If you could choose what to do with your time if you had total freedom, what would you do? Is the way you are showing up, reflecting what is truly important to you? What are some new choices, absolutes and actions that you will take going forward?
